Dalziel and Pascoe’s Funniest Quips And Comebacks

Because when you have to deal with corpses and killers for a living, being able to take the mickey is a vital job skill…

Dalziel and Pascoe


You'd think Dalziel would be glad to meet someone who could actually pronounce his name properly for once. But you'd be wrong.

Dalziel: How long have been with us, Mr Pascoe?
Pascoe: Not long, sir.
Dalziel: Seems longer. The first time you walked in, you said, "Good morning, Mr Dee-ell".
Pascoe: Sir?
Dalziel: The first bugger that ever got my name right first time. Unforgivable, that is.


Pascoe isn't the only butt of Dalziel's barbs. Take the time he asked another officer about the presence of illicit substances at a crime scene...

Dalziel: Did you find any drugs?
Clueless copper: No-one mentioned anything about looking for drugs.
Dalziel: No-one mentioned anything about Barbary apes, but if you'd seen a couple of them fornicating on the kitchen table, likely you'd have mentioned it.


Andrew Dalziel is many things, but a theatre-goer he most certainly isn't. So when he enquired as to the source of a quotation by a famed Norwegian playwright, Pascoe should have known better than to give him a straight answer.

Dalziel: Who said that?
Pascoe: Henrik Ibsen. You know him?
Dalziel: I saw him play once... he scored a hat trick against Leeds.


When Pascoe turned up at Dalziel's doorstep one morning to find his partner with a glass of booze in hand, he felt he had to say something. Dalziel reacted in the most Dalziel way possible.

Pascoe: You really shouldn't be drinking you know. It's not good for you.
Dalziel: I'm moved by your concern for my liver. I'll leave it to you in the will.


Pascoe mouthing off about something - always a rare thing. Of course, Dalziel wasn't going to just sit back and let his normally quiet partner have his moment...

Pascoe: Soccer is hooligans acting like gentlemen. Rugby Union is gentlemen acting like hooligans. Rugby League is hooligans acting like hooligans.
Dalziel: B*llocks. Men play soccer and Rugby League to make money. Rugby Union is violence for the love of it. Or it was before it got corrupted by sponsors and satellites.


He's an old school copper, is Dalziel. And that means anything can make him go all nostalgic. Even some very grisly photos of a crime scene corpse.

Dalziel: Cause of death?
Pascoe: Brain haemorrohage. Ruptured the meningeal artery. A blow from a metal implement, probably cylindrical.
Dalziel: Someone knocked a hole in her head. Probably a toffee hammer. Do they have toffee hammers anymore? Don't suppose so. Probably banned by those bloody clowns in Brussels.


He may not have gone to university, but never let it be said that Andy Dalziel isn't a stickler for grammar.

Pascoe: We think it'd be better if you took a little holiday till all this blows over.
Dalziel: "We"? Is that the royal "we"? I knew you was posh, Peter. Where have you been hiding the blue blood?
Pascoe: It's a suggestion from the Chief Constable.
Dalziel: Ah. He's a definite "we", he is. A wee little scrotum.