John Deed’s Guide To Being A Judge

Being a judge requires impeccable knowledge of the law. Oh, and a few other really important things, as Sir John Deed has taught us…

Judge John Deed


As a judge, you should be a paragon of politeness and decency - to members of the public. But when it comes to your esteemed fellow judges, you must remember to be as cheeky as possible at all times. Chatting to them in chambers? Make wry remarks at their expense. Raise your eyebrows as if you're genuinely impressed at how much guff they're talking. And do remember to vocally disagree with almost everything they say. If they get all red-faced and start scolding you, Monty Everard style, simply smirk and stroll casually away. (Just remember to duck if they throw something at you.)


If Deed is anything to go by, a judge has two main jobs: to dispense justice, and to bed as many unsuitable partners as possible. It's not enough to have the kind of rip-roaring sex life which would make Casanova's head spin. No: you must choose lovers who will complicate your life as much as possible. Married people are a must, especially if they're shacked up with high-ranking members of the establishment who could ruin your career if they knew what you were up to. And if you have a therapist, be sure to seduce them too.


You must remember to bite the hand that feeds you. The hand being the establishment. As Deed demonstrates, it's important to nurture a healthy contempt for all posh politicians and cunning civil servants, and instead fight on behalf of the ordinary public. Even if it makes various officials splutter into their whisky and curse your very name. Sure, they'll think of you as some kind of naïve, idealistic, rabble-rousing hippy, but that's fine. Wear it as a badge of pride.


Simply going to the gym or a kick about on a field isn't good enough. Do a posh sport instead, like fencing. It separates you from the ordinary folk, and makes you look dead dashing too.


What does Deed like to do when he's not annoying evil corporate types and diving into bed with the nearest posh lady? He's walking his dog, of course. Walking one's dog is quite obviously a prerequisite for having a fine legal mind.


Any judge worth their salt has to have a nimble tongue. What did Deed say when a disgruntled barrister chucked a glass of red wine in his face? He dabbed his wet face with his finger, licked it, and said "Yeah you're right, it is rubbish." Nice.


Let's face it, barristers are yapping poodles who need to be swiftly put in their place whenever they get above their station. Deed's favoured way of doing so is to taunt them right to their face, like an amused grown-up provoking a spoilt child. And if they get angry at you mid-trial? Simply have them send down to the cells like a common criminal, just like Deed once did to a prominent QC. Ouch.